Today’s deck is Tarot de El Dios de los Tres.
Very colorful, super cool, but also I didn’t quite grasp the theme and there’s nothing on the booklet or the box explaining it. The booklet did start with Spanish which is neat, I’ve used decks by this company before but can’t remember if all booklets start the same.
Today’s reading is basically talking about the pressures of wanting to make the right choice that will keep me as free as I want to.
I’ve talked about this in the past, but the main reason why I put up with all the bureaucratic nonsense that I do is that those responsabilities also allow me more freedom than I’d have working for others as it were.
Good reminder to have today as you’ll see.
Today was… a relapse of sorts. The anxieties with the bank stuff flared up again.
Sure, the whole thing is moving along and we’re in “it’s about when rather than if” territory, but that “when” kinda got to me.
There’s one payment incoming, an advance also coming, and that’s not counting the funds from the other bank being sent my way… but it’s gonna be the 15th, will it all be solved by the 25th when I gotta pay salaries and stuff?
It probably will but that PROBABLY in the face of the weekend really stressed me.
I should clarify that I’ve had that “weekend anxiety” for years. Specifically, back when my debit cards actually worked I couldn’t recharge them on the weekends and the money might not arrive on Monday so I was paranoid about making sure I had money on the card come Friday in case some emergency happened (which they did… the weeks where I didn’t have the money around because of course they did).
As a result I looked up how to ask for loans on the bank, I’d rather not have to but like I said I just wanted the peace of mind of an option while the When of the whole thing sorted itself.
The process wasn’t THAT hard for the application at least, but it did point out that the first loan would need some paperwork either by mail or directly.
Honestly, it made me think about doing the process just to have the option of a loan available in case of emergency. Like, a quick loan that I repay immediately just to have that process done or something.
This whole… it’s not even an episode by now. This whole SAGA has made me very keenly aware of all the people that depend on me financially both on a professional and a personal level.
And you might think that that’s a daunting thing to think about… and admittedly it is, but you gotta know/remember that I’m not really a self-motivated person so that kind of responsability grounds me in a way I need sometimes.
I think about last year (I THINK it was last year at least) where I almost got ran over by a car and the only worries and regrets I had in that dangerous moment was “Oh no, who will pay the salaries?” and “Oh no, who will send money to my family?”.
In that moment the concern was tied to a fight with a friend that led to me being distracted enough to be almost run over, but ever since then there’s been this dread inside of me.
What if I didn’t have those responsabilities? What if, with my life on the line like that, I just felt nothing?
Perhaps that’s why I ultimately put up with this sort of bullshit. Because who knows what void might be revealed without that layer of a sense of responsability?
Or even worse, who know if I would’ve filled it in with something worse…
…
Man I can’t wait until I can talk about somethin else that isn’t fucking banks…