Okay, now we can do the usual start of month reading.
The month starts with getting over all the obstacles I had last year to my responsabilities, which leads to wanting to move on from past resentments, which leads to how ultimately I shouldn’t be rash with choices in that front.
As far as the month goes, I won’t start with the freedom I expected, but as the month goes along I’ll be able to start working on what I wanna work in, which will lead by the end into some old scars popping up and how I shouldn’t dwell too hard into it all.
Ultimately this will be a month of wanting to push ahead while choices must be made.
Sound about right with how things have been going, yeah.
Last year I famously greeted the new year by being locked out of my hotel room in Nagano and dissociating until 6AM when the staff arrived. And looking back that’s kinda how I’d sum the way my year went: energy things happening while I’m stuck due to the dumbest circumstances.
This was in my mind as I woke up cold.
The space heater didn’t do much, I even slept less than ideally because at some point my belly (at that point covered with three layers of clothes mind you) got exposed.
So my first thought upon waking up very stiff was: what do I do about this? What tone do I wanna set? Which is when I decided I wasn’t gonna put up with it all and go back home.
There were other practical reasons mind you. For one showering was begging for pneumonia and there weren’t any restaurants or conbini nearby. The place was neat if you traveled in a lowkey yurucamp-esque camping plan but I didn’t and I was ill equipped for such an endeavor.
And so the tone I wanna set for this year is that if I’m not comfortable and I have options to solve the matter then I will. I was gonna head back home…
…I didn’t check out just yet though. I was willing to give the cabin a chance. Perhaps with the heater running and the sun hitting the whole place will be cozier later.
Since my luggage was so heavy yesterday I packed a couple of specific things with me: namely the drone given that there were too many trees in the area to use it safely plus my camera and such.
The first dropoff I had was in Juso and I realized I could do my temple visit really early.
Every year during such visit I think about how I wasn’t able to do one in 2021 because I spent like four days or something like that in bed angry and sad after a supposed friend told me in new year’s while I was fighting loneliness and depression how they didn’t wanna share what happened with someone “with no romantic experience”.
The me that went through that and the situation that led to it is so far in the past. Every new year’s I think “now I’m doing this instead of feeling that way” which is always so heartening to me.
Anyway, after wishing to just have the strength this year for the struggles that I know will follow, I went home by walking and damn even with the heating and humidifier off my place is still warmer than the cabin.
I mean it’s also not up in the mountains but still.
I showered, I ate, I chilled for a bit thinking how I’m definitely feeling more like staying and cleaning to the point I did some laundry.
Eventually I head back out to the cabin but I take a quick detour to Yodobashi Camera where there were a couple of workers in miko outfits and okay I don’t know what is it this year specifically but between that and the ones in the temple I went to I’m really vibing with miko outfits this year in a way I didn’t before.
I make my way back to the cabin and while it was slightly warmer I wouldn’t shower there still.
I sorted my luggage and packed the heavier stuff like my laptop in my backpack. I also decided to try setting aside some time to do something so I started the new physical journal and did the tarot readings.
That’s when I realized the one obstacle I’ll face in this endeavor: the fact that I’m a bitch with ADHD. So I should probably set aside smaller bursts where I force myself to stop and focus on a menial task instead of falling into said menial task while dissociating.
So back my ass went and I grabbed some McDonald’s for dinner on the way back.
I got sleepy before long because as it turns out I didn’t exactly sleep the best on the first night of the year but I made my case to the world with this move, I think.
I will not put up with inconveniences. I’ve put up with enough.