Today’s deck is the Salvador Dali Tarot Universal.
You know, I’ve always liked surrealism, not just as a concept but the whole movement, one of the most dog-eared books I had as a teen was this small hardcover book on the history of Surrealism.
Deck’s interesting because it’s not a bunch of Dali pieces assigned to cards, it’s an actual replica of a deck Dali made.
Today’s reading reflects wanting to balance things while I’m beaten up and trying to keep it together, which… yeah……….
You might think that the bank stuff moving along would’ve calmed me down… and it MOSTLY did, but the problem is that I’m in that stage where something is almost done and all your exhaustion (physical or otherwise) catches up with you and you just want things to be fucking done by yesterday and oh God I’m so fucking Done…
I woke up like that, just… not even stress specifically, my nerves were just frayed, like the expectation was murdering me y’know?
I saw that Evil was opening today though, so I was like “You know what? Booze”.
I did pack up some leftovers from the eggplant pickling. I actually managed to fill a whole jar, and in lieu of leaving the tippy top empty (to account for how the jar pushes liquid down and the top is fuild-less) I just put that on a different jar a couple of days ago and we got a winner for who came first in the gift chance.
The night was fun, after midnight a friend of the bartender’s dropped by and she’s a songwriter which is super cool, the bartender also invited me to a small live show she’s doing in a few weeks so I have that to look forward to.
The BIGGEST surprise however, was when a foreigner comes in, I ask him where he’s from, he says “Chilean” and the way my eyes lit up upon meeting another latin american in the wild like that was so noteworthy everyone else commented on it.
How many times since living here in Japan can I say that I met another latin american in a lesbian bar and we sang Bruta Ciega Sordomuda by Shakira in Karaoke?
The songwriter actually asked me afterwards for some tips on how to pronounce a song in Spanish she’s been practicing, so I explained to her that vowels in Spanish are the same as in Japanese and also the R rules (for the non-spanish-speakers: R at the start is a hard R, R mid-sentence is a soft R, and double Rs mid-sentence are a hard R).
I could’ve taken a taxi, but I woke up very late and also I was at worst slightly numb, so I figured a bit of exercise wouldn’t be bad to let the booze wear off… and so Fer walked for like 2 hours starting at 2AM, I actually arrived home BEFORE the trains restarted.
Cannot blame the booze for that one, I do that while bone-sober for weeks just for fun.
While during the walk, I was thinking about how one of the big things that contributed to the Mess I was feeling last week was… human contact. Not just socially but physically.
I’m very lucky that people get comfortable with me (to be fair I’m the kind that takes boundaries super seriously anyways) so the last few times there’s been a lot of very casual contact. A leaning on shoulder here, a hand held there…
The thing is that, even though I don’t look the part I’m a very touchy person… as long as I feel comfortable. When I lived with my family I would just randomly ask them for a hug whenever we crossed paths at the house. So living alone like I have, dealing with the mental hurdles that I have, I am… to put it bluntly: Touch Starved.
And since despite the madness with the bank my brain has been feeling safer and safer and that means a lot of Old Bullshit comes to the surface (for example: the bouts of paranoia I’ve been feeling are likely related to me pushing aside the “oh no I’m living alone what if something happens to me oh God” fears for years now) it makes sense that the touch starvation would crop up also.
Going to the bar was a welcome change of pace on the whole, though. Especially considering that after coming back my nerves were kinda frayed again. It didn’t help that the bank called me.
Now, the call wasn’t anything too crazy, they just asked routine questions. The PROBLEM is that these people use language I don’t appreciate in my current state of mind.
After all if they go “if we might not be able to receive the money we will call you, if we could receive it you won’t hear from us” and then they call me like 15 minutes later that’s gonna leave my heart racing like crazy.
The main thing is that they’re just stating the obvious fact that hey, they cannot guarantee the money is going to land. But if you highlight that specifically my caveman brain is just gonna go “ok it’s impossible then, why else highlight that”.
It’s all routine, we’re doing nothing illegal, if they need extra papers I 99.99% have them and the 0.01% is that they ask for a certified translation of one of them.
But fuck me I’m on edge. I just want this to be OVER.