Today’s deck is the Paws Tarot.
Really solid! No comment but in a good way.
Today’s reading is saying “don’t be so hasty in kicking yourself, dumbass”, which is related to the main point of today’s entry.
So the past couple of days it sounds like there was SOMETHING going on in the background, and there was. Long story short, I confessed a crush on a friend and got rejected.
Now, the rejection isn’t the point here. This friend was extremely gracious about it and made time in their busy schedule to not just say no but be more detailed about it and whatnot. In the process they also explained that they really admired me, knowing the nonsense I’ve gone (and keep going) through and yet how I present myself gives them motivation to push ahead.
That’s when it dawned on me how I thought I sensed a crush, but I sensed just that admiration, that specific kind of fondness, and because I’m not used to that outside of the more inpersonal “guy who make game a good” kind, my wires got crossed.
No, despite the title, this post isn’t about the crush, how fast it came and went, or even the rejection.
This is about the can of worms the whole thing opened through no fault of this friend. And even though I set out to talk about it, I don’t even know where to start.
Do I start with how I was more afraid of dropping an emotional bomb on someone than I was of any rejection? What about the deep-seated frustration that I don’t anyone I can trust in case I drop the slack ever so slightly? Oh, I know, maybe the fact that I don’t dare imagine romantic scenarios on my own because not even inside my head I dare fantasize about others so willy-nilly. Or maybe me wondering how much of my independent tendencies are natural and how much it’s me living a life where I’ve never been comfortable with others.
This might be a topic I’ll touch on moving forward as I untangle things.
The fact that I got rejected became a small blip long before I got a reply and the possibility existed. I sent the message on like… Wednesday and got a reply on Monday (fully aware that’s how things were gonna go) and I thankfully kept myself entertained just trying to fathom what I unleashed upon myself.
In that moment of general distress I turned to the cards to see what they said and well…
“You want the warmth of family but the weight of responsibility always gets in the way. A lack of hope got you here and in your future there will be closure about heartbreak. On a conscious level you keep everything under control, but underneath the surface you worry that you’re not worthy, that you don’t have enough in you. Internally you feel defeated even though externally everything is the best it’s been. In the end what you want most is to not feel alone alone in your struggles. But don’t worry, all of this internal shock will be for the best.”
You know, even though I’m perfectly aware of how and why tarot works on a rational level, and even though I’m very open and receptive to all the spiritual aspects of it all… even I get scared sometimes at how blunt more detailed readings can get, especially in moments of high emotion.
The core of it “weight of responsability getting in the way of familial warmth” is such a direct callout too considering how much I tend to keep to myself to not worry others (which of course includes my family).
This all started pouring out roughly after I posted the last entry and I’ve just spent most of the day processing all the stuff pouring out of that hole in my brain that I kept shut with a single strand of tape.
You know, the kind of thing where you don’t even feel anything in particular because you’re just staring at the mess going “Goddamn…” while trying not to think too hard about the chore ahead.
I’m fine, I’ll be fine, I’ve survived worse, I’ll get out of this stronger than before… but until that point it’s gonna be a bumpy ride man.
Just being rejected would’ve been so much easier… but if something’s easy I’ll get paranoid that it’s TOO easy so hey.
I’ll make sure to share any interesting tidbits I find through the process though, it might be useful for someone out there.