Today’s deck is the Way of the Panda Tarot.
It’s good! I’m just not that into pandas but it’s neat.
While all the cards in today’s reading are inverted, it’s definitely more of the “projecting it inwards” variety. In this case reflecting a newborn appreciation for me being generous.
Sidenote and Protip: If anyone ever weaponizes a good quality of yours against you like for example “Why aren’t you helping me? I thought you were a good samaritan!” That’s more indicative of the other side than of any fault on your own side.
Almost overslept through therapy, but I managed to wake up from whatever recurrent “dream you’re waking up” dream I was stuck in just in time.
It quickly became a Chill At Home sort of day because the forecast was rain and spring rains are wild and unpredictable.
I went out to make a quick supply run and something interesting happened… But first, a bit of context.
When I was 10 (and I remember this because I was in 5th grade) there was a period of my life where overcast days gave me anxiety. Like, from one day to the next an overcast day would feel me with a sense of dread that wouldn’t go away until it rained.
I chalked it up in the moment to a possible “dormant trauma” of seeing images of La Tragedia de Vargas while living right in front of mountains. And while this is true (in fact I was lowkey obsessed with knowing the weather report when I was like 6-7 because of it) we’re talking about 4 years of difference between both things.
So with that context in mind, yesterday I went to do a grocery run and I remember feeling a sudden sense of dread again, a familiar one, even.
The thing is that now I’m not an anxious 10 year old but an anxious 31 year old, one that has experienced many many MANY kinds of fear, dread, and anxiety, and so, today’s felt… off weird.
After thinking about it, I realized that it basically felt like a false positive. The best example I can think of is one time where I covered my legs with a bunch of muscle pain relief menthol bands and the feeling of my legs suddenly cooling off spooked me more than once that my blood pressure was plummeting.
I was feeling the pit of my stomach fall off, AKA the “Oh shit oh fuck oh shit oh fuck” feeling. But given how everything else was so normal before then it was clear that it wasn’t me suddenly remembering something. It also wasn’t an anxiety attack, there was no palpitation involved.
Thus comes the question: Can I feel the changes in pressure in my stomach? Can I sense rain?
It would certainly explain why I felt dread only relieved when it started raining, and it makes more sense than a 10 year old having “dormant trauma” 4 years delayed about something he saw on the news.