Today’s deck is the Wanderer’s Tarot.
It’s cool, it also includes variants of The Fool and The Magician in “The Psychonaut” and “The Shaman”. It’s extra neat because the booklet even acknowledges like “it should also be acknowledged their overlap with these other cards”.
In what seems to be the current readings’ theme of reflecting my own inner state of mind, today’s reading can be best described as feeling comfortable in going “YEAH! That bitch WAS crazy, huh?” inside of my head.
You know, the point of the healing process where you feel safe/confident enough incomplaining about the other side since you already paid your dues with self-flagellation.
There’s still some cherry blossoms around, but I kinda decided to call this year’s season now. Partly because I’ve got shit to do and cannot go out as much, and partly because I already got a bunch of pics I’m satisfied with.
All in all this year was honestly better than the last. The main reason is that the inevitable april rains didn’t come so early, leaving at least one week with the trees in full bloom. Whereas last year the trees hadn’t finished blooming and there were like two days of strong winds blowing everything away.
I set myself a goal of going to at least one new place every year and serendipitously Izu counts for that but Banpakukinen Koen also counts by the technicality of being the first time I go there in sakura season, last year it was Minoh Kayano station, two years ago it was Osaka Castle (on the inside) and Sakuranomiya, three years ago it was Tenmabashi, four years ago… things start to get blurry.
What with the whole “my whole sense of self crumbled” and “my lowest point ever” and a number of other things, that was the period where I had all the gender realizations at once over a three day period where my brain was tearing itself apart from the inside.
Trying to remember things from before then draws an even bigger blank. Closest memory I can conjure up was thinking in 2019 about how prunus trees bloomed right after sakura trees and only reason I remember it so vividly was because I remember going “oh so like Prunus Girl, I should read that manga again”.
It’s still so… weird, because it’s not like I can’t remember things from before 2022, they just don’t feel like my memories, and even that statement is tricky because it’s not like I was a different self.
Hell, I feel a gutural aversion to pics of myself from that period because I can see the tension and pain in my own face. It’s the closest I’d say I’ve ever felt to dysmorphia and even then it’s with my same face.
It’s a bit like taking photos of the same town by a riverbed over decades. The buildings change, everything is irrecognizable from one pic to the next except for the river and the general landscape.
The real question, though, is how the hell do I tell friends and family members that feel nostalgic to not show me pics of myself from before because I get psychic damage from them.
It’s super curious too, because it’s not cringing, it’s legitimate distress.
…then again, if I had the power to make them stop sending me something specific I’d first tell them to stop sending me pictures of all the baby nephews popping out recently.
I’ve talked about this plenty but I’m very VERY sensitive to faces. I keep eye contact to a minimum mainly because it feels like too much, I hate insta posts that are just someone’s face with some text, I hate even more any filters that make your eyes bigger and the like, and above all I hate babies’ faces because they’re so uncanny, their disproportionate eyes and whatnot trigger the same anger response in my brain as any face filter.
I remember a while back there was that one filter that made people’s heads into cats and I hate hate HATED it.
And yes, I said anger. It’s not disgust or simple aversion. Obviously I’m not gonna smash a baby’s face, but I feel a certain edge in my brain that makes me wanna smash the face of whoever dared subject me to said baby’s face.
As all of these musings might suggest, there was not much going on today.
I did a lot more sorting and cleaning (I’m this close to not needing one of the metal racks in my living room) but nothing much outside of that.
OH! I did start the book “The Guns of John Moses Browning”. Great read even if you’re not a gun nerd (I’d argue ESPECIALLY if you’re not a gun nerd).