Today’s tarot is the Wild Unknown Tarot.
It felt really good to shuffle for some reason. Also not to be confused with the Wild Unknown Animals deck which is more of an oracle deck.
Today’s reading was painfully obvious to me: “You’re too hasty and worried, be yourself”.
I actually did a second reading today, less of the daily vibe check and more me just checking on the state of those pics I wanna take and it kinda told me to actually follow through with that.
Day 13 of the Tarot lessons is about the Major Arcana and it mentioned the idea of The Fool being the one that heads out on a journey through all of them. Personally though, I prefer the idea of The Fool being this outsider that makes you question yourself through the journey no matter how far ahead you are.
Mainly because I feel like the imagery of some vagrant that can undo your whole worldview with a simple question at any point is a stronger one to me.
Today I wanted to go out and take one last batch of summer pics, the idea in my mind was to finish my hypothetical second book right before the Autumnal Equinox with one last “summer” pic.
I wanted to go to Nishikinohama for that, but the two hours were too much for the time it took to get there. So I considered instead taking pic in the Minoh Falls river.
In the end the choice was made for me because I had to call the Immigration Bureau to request an extension and finish some paperwork for that.
I was DRAINED. Paperwork is already annoying, Visa paperwork is already stressful, but then add the fact that I’ve been at it for TWO MONTHS by now and I’m just… I’m sore and beaten up honestly.
The problem is that when I’m stressed, I don’t so much freeze as I get tunnel vision into fixing the stressor. This unto intself isn’t a bad thing, in fact my mom has actually praised the fact that me and my sister are like that because she says she can’t do that.
BUT think about where I was. I was thinking about where to go out, where to do the thing I’ve been wanting to do for a hot minute now, then I see an email and all of that gets pushed aside and I won’t know peace until I reply to the emails and make the calls.
And you wanna know the actually scary part of it? Right now I’ve managed to learn how to handle stress to the point where I can handle it, but all these stress-related feelings and the mental malaise that results from it… I spent like 10 years of my life in that state.
I usually only think of me moving to Japan when I think about stress/trauma-related memory gaps, but I was remembering the fact that I remember NOTHING from the year 2015. That was the year where Valhalla’s production was in full swing and I honest to god cannot remember anything from that year, or if I remember it I don’t remember that it was in that specific year.
The result is that I try to write these posts and unlike other days where I can go into detail about all the random stuff I did, I draw a blank becuase I only remember white noise. And even though I’m talking on a scale of days for this right now, I was stuck in that state for YEARS.
I was already aware of it all, but I guess the perspective made it feel all the harder.
Regardless, I had to suspend my singing lessons. This month there was supposed to be an online recital and I was so excited to try it out and sing Enrique Iglesias’ Ruleta Rusa. But to do that I’d need to put that little bit of mental effort into pushing against my stage fright and I can barely think about showering right now.
It’s still a good example of how I’ve been able to manage stress compared to before, but fuck me…
I don’t even wanna say “I better get more than one year this time” because that feels like exciting myself for inevitable disappointment.
There’s two interesting things this day at least.
The first is that I took a pic of the full moon today and I’m so proud of it.
The other is that I wasn’t able to buy things via Google Play (despite being able to yesterday) because I got some “There was an error in our end” error and I had to contact technical support. apparently when I tried ages ago to set up a family account thingy that caused a clash of locale and I was and wasn’t in Japan or something?
Weird stuff.