Today’s deck is the Tarot Decoratif.
Really high quality and stylish.
Today’s reading says that if things feel unfair, it’s worth thinking about what to do about it without being reckless.
Which as you’ll see is basically today’s theme.
I woke up having one of those naps where the nap is like 6 hours long and you slept with all of your clothes on.
After weighing what to do I decided to play Forestia. I actually started the game before the trip so I’m just returning to it.
This… I was gonna say “might not have been a good idea” but as you’ll see, if not this something else would’ve caused it.
I decided to mainly go through Retri’s route because I’m super predictable, what can I say. And as I played this slow farming sim my mood started to sour.
Not because the game is bad mind you, on the contrary, it was souring because I was playing a thing where this girl jumped in excitement and dropped everything just because I asked her to go out on a date and I was like… That’s nice, people dropping everything to be with because you’re worth it sure is nice.
Not needing to be the one to move things along if you want anything done sure is nice, being able to unwind laying on someone’s lap sure sounds nice…
At this point my brain is already in The Moody Spiral. I’m stuck in the loop where I lament things that I’m not really devoid of but seem to come with too many caveats sometimes, where I’m stuck thinking about how I cannot lower my guard for even a fraction of a second, of how I need to assume that I’m gonna need to do everything myself.
Passing my fingers through scar tissue, feeling the numbness in the area while I see a story where that same area is still fresh and not numb.
Feeling the strain of how I actively choose to try to be happy and keep moving, not allowing myself to stop because I feel like the moment I stop everything collapses. Feeling the pressure of everyone that depends on me while being keenly aware that without those same people depending on me the suicidal ideations would start becoming louder.
After getting to the part where you propose to Retri, going to her parents and all, I decide to take a nap. I’m emotionally spent in a very self-inflicted way.
It sure sounds nice…
I wake up from the nap after 2 hours, I would probably keep sleeping but I have to drag my ass to get food, actual food instead of snacks I snacked on while I waited to wake up properly.
And as I go do that, creaking and screeching all the way, it dawns on me.
I’m TIRED.
I don’t mean in the probervial life way because I know I am tired that way constantly and it’s not gonna get better anytime soon, no, I mean I’m physically tired, I’m exhausted. And suddenly the way the cute farming porn game got me makes perfect sense.
All of those grievances and concerns are nothing new, I’m keenly aware of them, I’ve learned to live with them, accept them, any of you that keep up with the blog has seen it happen before. I don’t resent myself for any of it because I couldn’t grow if I wasn’t aware of which areas I need to grow on.
I just forget sometimes how much energy I spend choosing to be the way I am. Which is something worth pointing out, when someone says they choose to be a certain way (trying not to be an asshole, etc) it doesn’t mean “I decided to be one way and I’m magically changed”, it’s more like “I’ve decided I’m gonna use my energy to be a specific way”.
It’s like that one quote from CS Lewis about how good people aren’t foolish because they know there’s an easier way to do things by not being so and they choose to go against that grain.
Anyway, between choosing to be the way I am despite similar voices in my head telling me it’s a bad idea (and the odd moment here and there daring to validate said voices), the damocles sword of owning a company and wanting to also do things like this blog to keep myself sane and the writing muscles moving while Everything Else keeps me from the thing that’s actually supposed to be the job I’m putting up with all of this for, I can be forgiven for getting grumpy for an hour or two here and there I think.
I swear to God opening up about this is like opening up a well that spills out black vile everywhere unless I wrestle the well back to close it.
You see, the problem isn’t the well, I love the well, the black vile is shockingly good for the skin and you can hear some comforting melodies in the midst of the hellish shrieking. I just don’t like it when people get splashed by it, kinda like when you have a rowdy dog that you love to death nonetheless.
There’s been a couple of times where people effectively asked me to open up the well and after I rant for like 2 hours and they think they’ve seen everything I still gotta clarify “and I’m holding back a lot, actually”.
Anyway, if any of you wanna take a bigger point out of all this, I’d say it’s that (whether internally for you or when seeing someone else), making peace with something isn’t the same as the thing vanishing. For example if someone made peace with a grudge that’s not the same as outright forgiveness, that just means less of a need or impulse to act on the grudge basically, and depending on the person that might be the only solution.
There’s different ways to cope with things and letting go isn’t the right one for some things, and that’s fine. If it works for you that’s all that matters.
Kinda ironic whenever I write more words in days where there’s nothing to report on otherwise.