Today’s deck is Luna’s Gothic Tarot
Reminder that we stan Luna Factory in this house.
Today’s reading brought to mind something very specific. I’ve mentioned how I put conscious effort into not being negative, how socializing requires effort but everything requires effort so to me public speaking and talking to a clerk has the same effort (a lot).
Today’s reading is basically an acknowledgement that being like that can be tiring, man.
Have I ever talked about the dream visits I get?
I tend to not remember many dreams after fully waking up unless I explicitly make notes about them, most of the time it’s “so and so showed up” or “I woke up feeling sad”.
But every once in a while I dream about dead family members, my grandpa (mom’s dad) in particular.
I grew up with my grandpa, he died when I was 11 turning 12. He was a simple man of simple needs, he stayed home with me whenever I didn’t wanna go out with my parents to do something. There was also the time his doctor told him he could never quit sleeping pills and he quit them cold turkey just to spite him so you know where I (and my mom, actually) got the prideful/spiteful streak from.
Cheesy as it sounds, his death was what I’d call the end of my childhood, not just because I was literally turning into a teenager, but because it was one of those things where his absence shifted everything in the house.
Every so often over the years I have dreams with him that my mom has taken to calling “visits” and it’s a pretty accurate name because those dreams tend to be with him alone, like I’m being sent into a pocket dimension to be with him for a bit.
The dreams always have a specific odd vibe to them where part of me senses something is out of place. In the earliest dreams I had like that I had a vivid sense of “he shouldn’t be here” that felt more like… like when two people have a really ugly fight but then one day the person is back like nothing happened.
I’ve had these dreams with other people too, one that comes to mind is when I was in a car with my Godmother’s (who’s effectively my grandma) husband. He had a couple of cardiovascular accidents over the years and couldn’t speak properly but in that dream he was driving the car and speaking very clearly.
The dreams have also happened with dead pets. I remember the first time I had a breakdown after moving to Japan was because I woke up remembering one of my dead cats.
Anyway, today’s dream. My room back in my parents’ house used to be my Grandpa’s room (mind you it spent like one year with nobody using it after his death and I didn’t move in until like two years after that), so I was in that room as it was back when he slept there.
That room had a small TV propped up on an arm attached to the wall, by the time I’m “tuning in” on the dream we’ve decided to watch one more thing, it’s a show about aliens. We laugh about it, talk for a bit and then there’s a sense of “well, gotta go” kinda like when you’re leaving a bar or a friend’s place where it’s like “I’d like to stay but got other things to do”.
I head through the door and literally wake up then and there.
Those dreams are always like that, which is why the moniker of “visit” is so fitting.
Dreams fascinate me because in my own dreams I have recurrent locations, recurrent train stations and beaches that are, in hindsight, just amalgalms of places I’ve seen in real life. But also are they the same? For all I know I think they’re recurrent when they’re completely different.
But also they scare me because between 2018 and 2021 I was so stressed that to this day I’m still untangling random locations to see if they were from a dream or a really blurry memory.
Honestly there’s not much else to talk about today. I wanted to make prep and go to the beach every day next week as compensation for not going to Iwate, but I got sidetracked by sorting the room because I’m very close to filling a few boxes to send to mandarake and suddenly have a bunch of space freed up out of nowhere.
I gotta remind myself that there’s 2 whole months of summer ahead… hell, two and a half if you count September. The frustration of no trip shouldn’t add to the wish to go to the beach and catch the sun.
Oh wait, there IS one more curiosity from today.
I’ve owned this fridge for five years and only today do I notice it has a built-in ice tray in the freezer.