Today’s deck is the Junior Tarot Reader’s Deck and Guidebook.
You can definitely tell is for kids on the style, but the cards are great, they keep things to the main subject of the card which makes them really legible.
I do wonder who this deck is for though, Tarot is usually a thing that more teenage-aged kids tend to be into (I know I got into it at around that time) and at that age the Luna Factory anime decks feel more fitting.
Today’s reading makes more sense if you’re aware that I’ve been thinking about how I usually feel like my life is plenty of “all give no take” scenarios. As such the reading feels like it’s reminding that I DO have a lot to show for it.
Which changes the topic from “How I feel” to the question of “Why I feel this way”. But that’s a different matter.
You know, despite all of the stuff I talked about yesterday I’ve been shockingly fine… with a caveat.
So here’s the thing. I’m an anxious, moody, emotional bitch. Normally I can kinda push through it no problem, like background noise that I’ve gotten used to, but right now I’m… emotionally sore, or if we keep the noise analogy, I’m in emotional hangover.
All of those things that usually hit me have felt more like it’s rubbing a fresh wound lately. And being aware of the mess I became when I tried to confess to my friend, I figured I better start addressing all this more directly in therapy, so I started taking notes.
And I kept taking notes.
And more, and more, and more… the more notes I took the more I remembered and the more notes I took.
At some point I had to stop just for the sake of doing OTHER things in the day.
While the normal intent is to keep tabs on all the grievances I can so I can go to Therapy with a clearer list of things I’ve been feeling, it has allowed me to put into words other more vague details.
The main topic I was making notes about today is the fact that I don’t feel safe even inside my own head, I have this proverbial (bordering on literal) paranoia of someone breaking into my home and me needing to justify even the most private of thoughts inside my head.
In the process I realized that one of the most vague-to-explain parts of that feeling was a sense of “…and so, I brace myself as if the possibility I’m gonna be taken to court for what I was thinking about is real”. Which allowed me to finally put into some words what I mean when I say I’m always on guard.
This is all still vague, but because I’m… overwhelmed by information, it’s like I’m finally paying attention to what the background noise is saying, and dear God it’s saying a lot.
I’m in a shockingly normal mood despite that though, “overwhelemed” being purely on the “keeping track of info” way.
I also managed to go to singing lesson, last one before the recital on Monday. No extra polish for the song, just some extra pointers on how to hold the microphone.
I’m actually excited about that one, but I do appreciate that I have a few days in-between.
All in all though, I said in January that my goal this year was to reconnect with the parts of me that were buried when everything collapsed and I didn’t expect how true that statement would become.