Today’s deck is The Mystery Tarot. It’s a Gravity Falls-themed one.
Gravity Falls is from after my time. I think the last american cartoon I ever saw that I sorta kinda looked for on TV was Phineas and Ferb. And even then it was definitely in that “there’s nothing else, I need background noise, and my internet is too slow”.
By the way, when I say “slow” I mean “it took me a week and a half to download FF14” because I was only able to download about 1GB at night while everyone else was asleep.
I should get back into FF14, it’s been a while.
Anyway, shame I didn’t gel with Gravity Falls because the fact that they added a -1 arcana feels like has meaning but I’m not really curious enough about the show to wonder why.
No shade to it by the way, my lack of interest isn’t in any way related to its quality.
Today’s reading feels like it’s reflecting a change I had internally lately.
I’ve always treated my penchant for helping others and generosity as a compulsion, as something that I cannot help being. That was as much from feeling used by people growing up as it was from others weaponizing that against me (the usual “oh I thought you were nice” sort of comment).
Lately, however (I cannot pinpoint a singular reason but it’s probably a combination of factors) I’ve come to accept that part of me more, and the interesting aftermath of it is that the appreciation from others lands better. It was always there but it just hits me easier so to speak.
Now, there’s a whole can of worms with me and Feeling Fine where sometimes feeling good is more distressing because I become afraid to lose that spark of joy. But one problem at a time dang it.
The day opened up with great news: My psychiatrist appointment got moved to 8PM on Monday, not only did I not need to drop by directly, but I won’t be making dial up noises for week and a half.
I went out to get sushi and then came the main highlight of today… the dadnap.
Ok, not actually the dadnap, but I HAVE been taking like half an hour naps at around the same time every day, but that’s mainly because I’ve been sleeping only 6 hours for some reason.
No, the actual highlight of today aside from the Psychiatrist stuff is that I finally, FINALLY uncluttered my bathroom sink.
See, here’s the thing. About three years ago or so, I decided that in order to actually brush my teeth more constantly (this in the tail end of a depressive period where I was trying to recover the habit) I would just… brush my teeth when showering.
Not the most elegant solution, but I did brush my teeth more consistently as a result.
The problem was that in the same Executive Disorder Malaise that turned my apartment into a salvageable mess I ended up not using the bathroom sink. I was brushing my teeth on the shower, I was washing my hands on the kitchen, and so, things started to pile up.
First I’d drop used qtips there, (in the period before I addressed the ear infection I had and I used way too many per day), then the refills for the shampoo and conditioner, then bags… before long the sink was cluttered with a bunch of things and it extended to the entrance to the shower needing me to step above and over things that just started piling up there.
And as I cleaned it up not only did it dawn on me how manageable the clutter was all along (as with everything else it’s just things I didn’t put in their right place) but it reminded me of the period where I decided I wanted to have more of a beauty routine, so I got a bunch of creams and soaps, and I even remembered THREE perfumes I got that I wanted to get back in the habit of using.
There were a couple of half-open cosmetics that spoiled, like a face peel that came in a dispenser but for some god forsaken reason the dispenser tip wasn’t attached to it so it congealed in the bottle, a moisturizer cream that was half open and dried up and other similar things.
To give you an idea of how long things had been cluttered: One drawer that wasn’t accesible until today still had packs of unused hair bands. I got those when my hair was ever so slightly long. Ever since then I got a hair transplant (which required me to shave my head) and my hair is back to a point where I can use them.
Speaking of the drawers, I’ll probably have to check them and see what they have, but also speaking of compartments, I had completely forgotten I could store things under the sink and it felt like SO MUCH space opened up with that alone.
I legitimately didn’t expect this to hit me as hard as it did. But it’s no wonder it did, it kinda feels like I’m finally catching up with life, like I’m finally in a good mental space to reclaim back my house from all the layers of clutter.
Like for example, the last time I remember chilling playing games somewhere other than my PC was when I was playing Elden Ring on my laptop on the kotatsu.
That was on release for that game, so again, early 2022.
But yeah, I literally would just stand up and… stare at the sink. It’s not pristine, but I can use it, and that feels so surreal.
Speaking of hitting hard, my dumb ass forgot to put on a mask before using the cleaner and the ammonia hit me like a punch that I’m still recoiling from.
One good thing from the whole cleaning process though is that it has reminded of the very reassuring fact that I’m not a hoarder.
I know hoarders, part of why I’m constantly worried I might be one is that my grandma has hoarder tendencies. But when the time comes to clean up I have zero reservations on just throwing out or replacing things.
This has basically been that moment where I realize “I can do this, I can sort everything”, hell, I might even be able to go through all the stuff already strategically blocking one of the rooms.
Very welcome feeling, gotta say.
By the way, today’s title is obviously a funny continuation of yesterday’s but it’s actually there because… basically I had a small piggybank on my entryway where I would drop all the 500 yen coins I’ve gotten.
Supposedly the piggybank has space for 100.000 yen, and it’s already full so I guess we’ll find out soon enough how precise the estimate was.