Today’s deck is the Unicorn Whisper Tarot.
Dunno what it says about me or about the association horses have (read: horse people can be kinda insane) that when I saw the name I expected Unicorns all the way down, but it’s more of an anime-style deck in the end.
Today’s reading is talking about how there’s no reason to feel heartache, I’m safe, I can thrive emotionally. Which is very much the theme for today as you’ll see.
Dunno if this counts as hangover. I woke up not rested, like I didn’t fall into deep sleep, but I didn’t feel dehydrated or with a headache.
I did woke up as a mess in a different way though, in fact it was so messy that I spent most of the day trying to untangle what I was even feeling.
I’m gonna jump to the punchline: I was happy and I’m not used to being happy.
Last night was emotional but not in the usual teary way. I just had a bunch of people telling me they think I’m awesome and nice and all of that and I was having fun and it was all great, and because I was drunk (though notably still less drunk than when I went to Believe x Believe earlier) my usual instinct of blunting those feelings down was nowhere to be found.
I let myself feel joy and now I was facing the consequences.
Specifically I was feeling joy from an external source. I’m used to joy and happiness when it’s things I do directly, like when I travel or take photos, but that joy from being with others I tend to keep in check mostly out of reflex. Because the first proper time I felt that sort of joy ended up being in circumstances where it was used against me afterwards.
So basically I woke up with a combination of the melancholy of a good time having passed, the deep FEAR of something about to go wrong or maybe having done something bad in the heat of the moment, and the slightly less deep fear of what if that never happens ever again.
Of course that ends up feeling super dumb but I took the opportunity to itemize all the general feelings. This did explain nicely something else I’ve thought about for a while.
Simply put, I’ve tried using those apps that let you log how you feel in the past and I noticed that I never felt able to say I was great. I did improve over time from an average 6-7 to an average 7-9, but I could never think of a 10 day.
Well, if I reflexively stop myself from getting too excited it makes sense that I wouldn’t reach that point naturally.
Honestly though, I’ve been an emotional mess in a very lowkey way. I suspect that the weird bouts of paranoia I’ve been suffering lately are all the years of piled up fear from living alone just kinda… resurfacing.
It’s kinda funny too because I write all this and there’s still a visible improvement in externalizing my thoughts. My singing teacher likes to point out how it feels like a “veil” got lifted off me.
I had a lot of time thinking about all this because I spent most of my day chopping eggplants. I did have to go out to buy something to drink and OH MY GOD IT’S SO COLD.
OH MY GOD THERE’S SNOW.
Osaka doesn’t have snow. It SNOWS but for snow to pile up even this much is absolutely rare.
What a wild thing to see at the end of a lowkey day.