Today’s deck is the Tinseltown Tarot.
Wait, THAT’S how you spell it?! I always thought it was “tonsiltown” ’cause you gotta yap your way through life or something.
Today’s reading… actually hit a nerve so personal I’ll keep it to myself.
So apparently I made it to the garden in time yesterday ’cause it seems today they’re doing an event where they nip the buds and such before they wilt.
If I went today only to see that, that would’ve been a very Fer thing to happen.
Speaking of going, I started to suspect lately, but especially yesterday, that the shoes I’ve been using might be due for a change. to be fair I’ve got quite a few, but I tend to fall into the habit of not cycling them.
I bring it up because I didn’t think much about feeling slight discomfort while walking since I did twist my ankle almost two months ago, but yesterday I was like “yeah, but then why are the toes on the OTHER foot annoying me?”.
Anyway, random tangent aside I… didn’t do much today. Aside from a few tasks here and there I just wanted to push my sleep schedule forwards so I let hyperfocus take the wheel.
While I did that, I did come to a very interesting realization, though.
So I’ve talked in the past about wanting to try writing smut. This as much from creative curiosity as because I really like that whole creative space as a whole.
The first obstacle was a series of complexes that I can best describe as “becoming keenly aware of mental hangups and old trauma that I started to take for granted”, honestly if anything part of the impetus at this point is effectively as a thanks of sorts to it all for helping me grow.
There’s other minor details here and there, and I’m still getting over a couple of extra hurdles (like a perception that I must make whatever endeavor a “one man project” out of a really silly idea that it’s too personal to do otherwise) but they’re nothing compared to what’s already solved.
However, even if I assumed that case, even if I was somehow a superhuman that can do everything without stretching myself thin, every time I ran ideas through my head something wasn’t clicking on a different level.
I’m a very emotional writer, by which I mean I need that fire in the process, I write in complete isolation because I legitimately feel too vulnerable if I try writing with others in the room. And the smut ideas and even the one smut attempt somewhere in this blog just lacked… something.
I wasn’t going feral. That’s kinda important in general but especially when writing erotica. It can be the most vanilla thing ever but you can feel the author foaming at the mouth and barking, probervially or otherwise.
At first I wasn’t going feral because of all the mental hangups, but now willing as I was to do it… I still wasn’t, so why?
So today while sorting and cleaning and moving things, I realized the reason.
Let me break this down into its components…
Regular writing I prefer: Female protagonist stories.
Porn I prefer: Women being dominated in varying degrees of intensity.
Regular writing I dislike: Writing men.
Porn I dislike: Femdom.
Got that? So let me explain the motions that my brain keeps going through whenever the topic comes up.
“Let’s write something spicy!” I think, so my brain defaults to what I consume the most which is, fundamentally, BxG.
Except I don’t like B. Then by sheer force of habit I focus on the G part of the equation.
So I end up with a more passive male and a female that takes control by sheer stage presence.
I’ve just run headfirst into femdom.
Then I think that hey, surely all I need to do is focus on the female and make her more passive… that’s only a half solution though, I’m not going feral. It still fundamentally lacks the POV manhandling the girl in question.
There’s plenty of solutions to this scenario. You probably thought of some while reading this, I probably thought the exact same ones and then some. The important part, however, is that I finally figured out what the mental snag was.
And the best part about it is that it’s the most hilarious result possible: My regular creative interests and what gets me really going are so diametrically opposite, that having way too much practice in the former resulted in the latter being something I wouldn’t be as into.
Speaking of pervert stuff, that reminds me of something that I saw a while ago while on the lookout for new VA-11 Hall-A fanart and such.
I won’t translate it, it’s funnier if you find out with google lens.
I’ve got two parallel ideals I follow creatively and professionally: The first is making art feel accesible, pulling the curtain and letting anyone see that Making Things isn’t some secret passed down cabals and it’s fun to try things out and expand your horizons.
And the second is the make damn fucking sure I’m not mythologized. If anyone appreciates me for who I am as a person after personally interacting with me I will cherish that forever, but otherwise I don’t want to be seen as some sort of Public Figure. Anyone that looks me up and expects An Author will be met with A Pervert With Many Opinions.
I’ve already got a bunch of mental snags about being Used, about being more commodity than person, about my compulsive good will being abused. By extension there’s nothing I dread more than being dehumanized the way Becoming A Public Figure does to you.
So to be called effectively “a weirdo with a fetish” by people talking about VA-11 Hall-A is high praise, even higher praise because this time they point out the ACTUAL fetish instead of what people think might be The Author’s Barely Disguised Fetish just because Dorothy exists.
And likewise, as the paragraphs before illustrate, none of you have ever seen me actually horny. By definition. That’s kinda the issue being analyzed.
But anyway, if it sounds like I’m making a big deal out of this is because suddenly everything makes sense. Why was I feeling unable to Go Feral? Why did every fantasy I try to construct fizzle out? Because I was thinking with my writer brain. I must not do that. I must use the writer SKILLS while letting the most base of my instincts take control.
Slow day otherwise. I’ve had the idea of do posing practice for the dolls with gold swimsuits, but the urgency of that is low because unlike say… sakura season, I can take those pic whenever the heck I want.