Today’s deck is the Druidic Tarot.
I would’ve called it Drooidic Tarot if not because I use the search bar of the blog to check for dupe decks.
The deck is nice though! Very good in the useability scale even if it’s lacking blonde dudes ominously floating above their chairs.
Today’s reading is interesting because it’s a reminder that there should be a balance between pushing ahead towards the next idea and enjoting the fruits of your labor.
In my case, for the longest time I denied myself daring to enjoy the results of my hard work because that’s “what has-beens do” not realizing I was instead punishing myself.
So y’know, good thing to remind my stubborn dumb ass.
V returns today so the day opened up kinda lowkey while she finished packing up.
We wanted to have Okonomiyaki, but short of going to Umeda, all local places were closed until 5. So we settled for Takoyaki after the entry gates and oh would you look at that they also sold a small okonomiyaki.
We finished eating with plenty of time and we boarded the train. When we got to the airport we were little under an hour before her flight but her boarding pass took a bit to get since it treated her like she was visiting rather than returning so there was more info to input.
Then she was announced in the speakers with the staff looking for her so there was no time for sentimental goodbyes, she even got sped through security but she made it in time nonetheless.
The return was a bit of a blur, I suspect my brain was just switching from Host mode to regular Fer and there was a lot mentally to catch up with.
I came back home and did the three things I refrained from doing while she was around: Play a porn game, be in my underwear, and crank the volume up.
I was playing Fallin’ Witches, a 3D game with some third person combat with the interesting gimmick that the girls of your growing harem have attributes both personal and in combat. They have randomized races, appearances, combat skills, whether or not they like sex with other girls and so on, and having certain girls in your roster will unlock more positions in the dedicated sex room (eg: There’s a scene that specifically requires foxgirls).
6 hours or so of dissociation went into it. While at it I was thinking about how daunting the prospect of living with someone else full time can feel. I like doing things at my own pace and I like having my own isolated corner where I can do whatever I want and shut the rest of the world off for a while.
I was already thinking about moving my PC from the living room to another closed room just because it felt more natural to me. Maybe even to my bedroom while I make sure all the Work stuff remains in the office.
Chatting about it with N however, I realized that a lot of my conflict comes from my deep-seated skepticism that someone will accomodate for me and I’ll have to do that instead. So deep-seated in fact that to be perfectly honest the idea of someone that lives with the same rhythms and needs as me or someone that will adjust to me never crossed my mind.
I’m aware it’s a cognitive distortion and I try to fight it back but it’s nuts how deep the stuff goes sometimes.
At this point I needed a walk, and DQ Walk gave me the perfect excuse.
So long story short, like in a mainline Dragon Quest, accesories have a certain precious value to themselves so they’re the equipment you craft. I kinda ignored them for a bit because the currency you use to buy some of them is the same one you use to unlock main story quests and treasure maps, but I quickly realized how much content I was denying myself by not investing in them.
So I wanted to get the Orb of Light. The way it works is that you get the orb of darkness and when equipped to a character you’ll see three emblems in the map. One was near my house and the others were like 1km apart each, but I nabbed one of them on the train to the airport so I went to get the last one.
After that there was one more stage where you get two more emblems and I figured fuck it, let’s take the scenic route back, why not.
For my efforts I got an extra bit of soul searching AND an accesory that gives +30 to all stats.
The walk took me to spots I’d been to in the past in my usual attempts at seeing how far I can walk in any given direction before I run into a highway entrance or some other inacessible route. I was reminded of how when I was returning from a trip to the US back in 2019 I felt this deep sadness that I was “returning to nobody” here, that nobody was really waiting for me. And while that’s still technically true (aside from returning to RESPONSABILITIES), it got me thinking about the smaller bits. Of being able to tell people that visit “this used to be a bowling alley” “this was abandoned and probably owned by a hoarder before they tore it down”, recognizing random store clerks and seeing that spark of recognition in their face…
Then I realized that one of the biggest problems with the aforementioned “dread to live with someone” is that my life has been so chaotic I can only think in extremes, of someone I’ve only known online moving in or something. I don’t have the grounding (mental or otherwise) to think about people that live on their own and just drop by for a visit or perhaps even to look after the place while I’m out half a country away.
Perhaps even the fact that I’m content with how my life is going (stress and all) and a shakeup like that feels like a threat somehow.