Today’s deck is the Aquarian Tarot.
It’s a really nice reimagining of medieval imagery, if I had to complain about something though, the images are all very… close.
I had a singing recital today so I asked the cards what to keep in mind for it and the result is super interesting.
The Knight of Swords is a card compelling you to Just Do It, whatever it is that you’re seeking to do, and the Ten of Wands is a card speaking of Big Efforts, but like the Ten of Swords it’s also to convey that you’re at the end of that effort.
So it’s saying “Go ahead and show them your hard work”, but the presence of The Empress is interesting. You see, while I’m very comfortable with the middle ground of Gender that I lie in, I’ll admit that dipping too much into either side is something I try to do in moderation.
Not just the feminine side, mind you. Just like how I dose how girly I get, I also dose out how pushy or aggressive with stuff I might be. In this context specifically it’s defintiely advising me to just let that cheerful exhuberant girly that runs inside of my head all day take some of the reins.
Despite having that recital ahead I decided to just… not think about it. Take it easy and just go out later.
I answered some emails, chatted up a bit with friends. I was thinking about going over the song again but honestly, that would only contribute to the way my brain stresses over things so I realized I needed to clear my mind as much as possible.
In fact, that picture with the ducks? As I was walking to the live house I just… took a detour for that. I was close by, I needed to Not Think.
Oh also, I had lunch at McDonald’s and forgot to tick the “don’t put cheese” box but thankfully I wable to remove it by hand, it wasn’t melted enough.
Once in the venue the process was simple, everyone sings a small sample of their song as a sound test, then a break, then the real thing.
My last recital was two years ago. I couldn’t participate last year because to be honest the stress just… didn’t let me. And compared to two years ago it was PACKED today. I was curious why they changed it to just one song per person (last time it was two per person) and after seeing how many people were in it was like YEAH.
So there I am, doing my best to keep my head clear of any thoughts, a notion that only got reinforced when I did my check and I could feel… basically a knot in my stomach specifically from pushing all the shivers in my body inwards.
Thankfully the process was easier due to two factors… well, more like one and then a two-parter.
So the first one is that the Uma Musume update was today so I was able to distract myself living vicariously through everyone reacting to the update.
Sidenote, just what the fuck is Orfevre’s casual clothes. Out of any possible outcome to the question of what her casual clothes would be this was NOT something I imagined. Mind you it’s not even bad and honestly it just screams that Dream Journey picked it for her.
The other thing helping me keep my mind away from things was the fact that the recital’s environment was just good. For one you know everyone’s in it for the same reasons, that everyone’s nervous, that everyone’s been through the same stuff as you… but also holy shit, so many nerds. Even discounting the two students that went in cosplaying, someone was singing Romeo to Cinderella.
There was a kid that actually sang with a lady in the piano as backing music and I was like “probably GF or sister”.
IT WAS HIS MOM.
I GOT ASIAN WOMAN’D.
AGAIN!!
Me myself? I was… shocked at how well I sounded.
There’s some things I could definitely improve on, my stage presence is non-existent, but as far as voice goes…
So one of my main snags two years ago was that my voice felt… held back and I didn’t know how to fix that, but today it didn’t feel that way.
I wanted to put on makeup but couldn’t find the bag where I keep my foundation and stuff. I wanted to put on sunglasses to dissimulate how much I close my eyes but I couldn’t find them.
But if I get out of my head for half a second, my teacher repeated so often how proud she was of me, how much of a different person I am compared to even just two years ago. In the moment I smiled and thanked her, but now writing this I’m getting slightly choked up at someone telling me that. Especially because she’s seen me in bits and pieces so the fact that she’s telling me that it’s so… validating of the efforts I’ve been taking.
It’s interesting though, how in the moment (I guess letting PR Fer take over) it was something I recognized and acknowledged, but now in the privacy of my own home it’s like the more vulnerable Fer is processing the positive stuff.
By the end we got a diploma and a candy bouquet.
I’ve been thinking lately about how singing finally passed that very specific threshold where I’m comfortable with it more deeply making it more fun. But also, it helps bring… a side of me I tend to be afraid to bring out.
I’ve always been shy, but I’ve been frustrated about it. I can accept being naturally resentful and build my life around that limitation, but the shyness has always been aggravating to me.
The problem is that I never felt in an environment where I felt safe coming out of my shell and build up that… resistance to the external factors, as it were. One time I explained to my earlier therapist that I’m fine with just proverbially diving quickly into cold water rather than dipping in bit by bit… but it feels as if I’ve lived a life of only cold water cannonballs and that can be tiring.
Now, the singing already helps with that, but there’s… something else.
Whenever I pick songs I always pick energetic stuff. Sekai Ga Owaru Made Wa, Heats, Kawaita Sakebi, and so on.
There’s like… a fire inside of me. It keeps me warm, it fuels me in tough times, but sometimes I feel like I should be able to fan it, see how high it goes.
Singing has allowed me to nurture that fire bit by bit, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a lot of overlap
All in all it was a good time, and some much needed burning of energy.