Today’s tarot is the Crystal Unicorn Tarot.
It’s not bad! I’m just not a fan of unicorns. The cards are also a tad too thin for my taste.
Then reading was telling me that I’m feeling like others are holding me back.
While I don’t know how precise “holding back” is in this case, there was something that definitely came to mind.
Whenever old projects and whatnot come up for one reason or another, there’s this small wound that throbs, the “nobody asks me what I want” wound.
I know it’s not something that’s actually being aggravated but that’s how these things tend to be.
Actually, on that note, a couple of days ago I was chatting with N and I said something that, while I was perfectly aware of, saying it in that moment left me realizing more about myself.
Basically, I’ve strived to become someone that doesn’t NEED others emotionally as much as possible. This was a choice I had to make when facing the realization that I didn’t have anyone I felt like I could rely emotionally upon.
Now that’s a tricky statement because it sounds like I’m saying that I’m completely independent but I’m not. Basically there’s this specific chain link fence in my heart that I put there because there was a time where my whole support network was doing more harm than good.
I still love to have long conversations and my days are a bit worse when I don’t have others to interact with, but I don’t really put the emotional weight of depending on someone. When I have a problem I’d much rather deal with it myself because I don’t feel like I can delegate or ask for help with those matters to others.
Is it a problem? Yeah, but I’ve also not encountered a reason to feel safe in fixing it, so…
That’s why I’m so defensive about pity, because it basically implies that the other person is offering unrequested help on a matter that I didn’t consent to be helped with.
L pointed out once that she thought I really wanted that sort of help and yeah. That’s true. The whole point, the whole problem, is that I’ve never felt like I would get that specific support from someone I felt comfortable loosening my guard around.
It’s one of those things in my life where I’m immensely happy with what I’ve become and also immensely resentful of the path I had to take to get here.
ANYWAY KINOSAKI YAY!!! Wadayama definitely looks super interesting though.
The first time I went to Kinosaki was in 2021 on my birthday. I remember it was the period where I was still testing the edges of what being Non-Binary meant to me so I went sleep deprived, in a sleeveless shirt, carrying two dolls and a camera plus my change of clothes on a pink suitcase (not a wheeled luggage) that I still have somewhere.
I also stayed for just one night so of copurse I crash asleep in the hotel as soon as I arrive.
No wait, I actually did go around in the blazing sun while waiting for the check-in time. Yeah, I was running around with heavy luggage, taking pícs in high noon.
I’ve not gotten any smarter since then, I’m afraid.
Kinosaki hasn’t changed that much since 2022 when I last came. I can’t remember why I didn’t come in 2023, I think it was because there weren’t hotels with private rooms available when I tried to reserve.
Oh yeah, this is the sort of place where the rooms don’t have a private shower because the expectation is that you¿ll use the public bath.
At least I found the odd exception this time around.
Now that I remember, the first time around the Ryokan had a wall with signed photos and one of them was the guy that plays Mr Bean.
And the second time around was when I tried a massage chair and realized I probably needed to start going to the chiropractor.
Today I had a plan. It’s getting dark early so I went to a shipyard that I know of and tried to take pics of the stars.
It was a success. The most interesting thing is realizing that if you expose the photo for too long the picture looks blurry because OF THE PLANET’S ROTATION AND THE STARS MOVING
I was so inspired by this that on the way back I ordered a telescope from Amazon. This winter is gonna be interesting.
Came back, was tired, that was when I did the tarot reading and you can tell because the rambling at the start of the post is the Fer Is Tired sort of rambling.
Valid and worth documentiong, but not the total sum of my messy brain, just the bits that slip thrpough when my guard is at its weakest.