Today’s deck is the Moon Dust Tarot.
Not bad! Not much worth commenting about it either. If I had to squeeze some extra comment I’d say I’m not the biggest fan of this specific “playing card but oversized” size. It actually makes me realize that Tarot cards are usually Long specifically because it allows them to be easy to handlr but still big.
Today’s reading advices that heartache should be faced with hope that it isn’t going to be like that forever and a chance to look inwards.
This is one of those days where the cards aren’t just accurate, but scarily so.
You see, I had lots of fun yesterday, and because I’m a starved dog when it comes to social interactions, today I was kinda hoping for more to do. However, I also don’¿t like imposing myself on others, let alone when they might just be tired or have other plans already.
The result is that in these situations I end up feeling cornered, like I have no escape, and the result is that part of me admonishes me, advising that I should harden up even more. That I cannot depend on others to satisfy that need and thus I should be as self-sufficient emotionally as possible.
I know that part of me is being hyperbolic and irrational, but it’s also just a part of me that wants to protect me.
You see, I’ve lived all my life afraid that I was a load on everyone’s lives, that everyone was just being polite in putting up with me, a perception that most likely comes from not really being able to connect with anyone or feel safe lowering my guard.
When I finally did in my mid-20s, I had a string of situations (that to be honest extend even to this year) that just felt like validation on these fears. Being told (explicitly or otherwise) to bother someone else, to leave people alone, that they were putting up with me and doing me a favor I never asked for.
Thus am I stuck in an eternal loop, where I don’t like imposing myself on others, but I’m also worried that anyone reaching out is either doing me a favor I need to repay or doing it out of pity that the proud part opf me won’t tolerate.
That’s why the part of me that admonishes me is one I don’t like dismissing, because it’s just working on its learned surival habits.
As such, I spent today between grumbling to myself and just trying to make do with what I had.
First things first I was hungry so I went near Tokyo Station to see if I could find any interesting spots. I found a good place with Ramen, to be honest it wasn’t AS good as the one I had with E and K a couple of months ago, but that’s not to say it was BAD, on the contrary.
After exploring a couple of rooftops I had an idea to take a walk in Jimbocho. Jimbocho is also known as Japan’s “old book district” from a prevalence of those kinds of shops in the area.
Akihabara it ain’t though, there’s definitely quite a few but you gotta look for them a bit more actively… either that or I was in the wrong area for that. I got a map with the shop locations regardless, if I ever feel like trying to explore it again.
After that I went back to the hotel. Partially because the melancholy was getting the best of me, and partially because ,y shirt was hurting my nipples. Turns out it’s more of an overshirt (the kind you wear on top of an undershirt of some sort) so the fabric is kinda rough.
Afterwards I went to look for somewhere to eat and I this one restaurant called Nick Stock. Did I go just because the pun on Niku was funny?
Maybe.
It was good, though I’m gonna be honest, slightly underwhelming for a half an hour or so waiting. Not even waiting to sit down but waiting for the order.
I then started prowling for a good spot to take pics of the Tokyo Tower and the most perfect one for that was closed by the time I was there which was a bummer.
Eventually I went to a spot I had tried in the past. The problem while using dolls specifically is that there’s a lack of vantage points that you can use, everything’s flat so that people can picnic and whatnot looking at the orange glow of the tower.
I’m happy with the result though, especially because it feels like revenge for a similar attempt I did last year with Haru, and while they’re not as bad as I remember, today’s attempt was more in line with what I tried last time.
By the way, the cleanup staff actually came into the room by the time I came back for a nap so imagine my surprise at finding today’s spicy playmat neatly spread on top of the bed with my laptop’s bag covering it.
How polite of them.